Conflict is a normal part of life. How we approach it, though, makes all the difference. When disagreements arise, ask yourself this: are you fighting for resolution, or are you fighting to win? People who fight fair focus on finding solutions, not scoring points. But how do we know what to do – and what not to do – in order to make sure that stays our focus in conflict?
3 fair fighting rules
The Bible offers wisdom to help us handle disagreements in a way that strengthens relationships and honors God. Here are three fair fighting rules to guide you in navigating conflict with grace and intentionality in all of your important relationships.
1. Listen first
“Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back.” – Proverbs 29:11
Fair fighting always starts with listening. It creates space for understanding, helps you find common ground, and brings clarity to the real issues fueling the conflict.
- Find common ground. Instead of seeing the other person as your opponent, remind yourself that you’re on the same team. Ask, “What do we both want?” This small shift in perspective can transform how you approach the problem.
- Identify the issue behind the issue. Many arguments aren’t about what they seem. For example, a disagreement about money might really stem from feelings of insecurity or a desire for control. Take time to ask yourself, “What’s the thing behind the thing?”
- Practice active listening. You know you’re truly listening when you can repeat back what the other person is saying and articulate how they’re feeling. At the same time, be honest about your own emotions.
As Romans 12:16 says, “Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!” Listening first sets the foundation for resolving conflict peacefully.
2. Be slow to speak
“Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.” – Proverbs 12:18
Your words have incredible power. In the heat of conflict, it’s easy to let emotions take control and say things you’ll later regret. Fair fighting means choosing your words with care and communicating in a way that builds up rather than tears down. Keep an eye out for these pitfalls in the way you use your words:
- Criticism. Statements like “You’re always late” or “You never follow through” feel more like attacks than constructive feedback. Replace absolutes with specific, actionable observations.
- Contempt. Rolling your eyes, sighing loudly, or using dismissive gestures can feel deeply disrespectful. Contempt erodes trust and connection in any relationship.
- Stonewalling. Shutting down a conversation might seem like peacekeeping, but it often leaves unresolved issues festering. When you don’t talk it out, you’ll end up acting it out. Instead, lean into the conversation with honesty and vulnerability.
Thoughtful, intentional words can transform even the most difficult conversations into opportunities for healing and growth.
3. Be slow to anger
“Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.” – James 1:20
Anger is a natural response to conflict, but left unchecked, it can damage relationships and leave you disconnected from who God created you to be. Here’s how you can manage your anger and keep it from causing lasting damage:
- Pause before reacting. Take a deep breath. Ask yourself whether your anger is moving the situation toward resolution or simply escalating the conflict.
- Keep perspective. James reminds us that unresolved anger hinders our ability to live in harmony with God and others. Instead of fighting to prove a point, focus on fighting to protect the relationship.
- Pursue peace. God created you to walk closely with him and live out his purpose for your life. Handling conflict with love and grace reflects God’s heart and strengthens your connection with him.
Fight for resolution, not for victory.
Fair fighting isn’t about avoiding conflict. It’s about addressing it in a way that strengthens your relationships and honors God. As James 1:19 reminds us, “You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” When you fight fair, you’re not fighting for victory – you’re fighting for resolution. That’s where true peace is found.
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