Infidelity is one of the most painful experiences a marriage can face. It shakes the foundation of trust and raises questions about whether healing and restoration are possible. While the road to recovery is difficult, it’s not impossible—with God’s help, people broken by betrayal can find hope and healing.
Marriage after infidelity
When infidelity occurs, it’s not just a breach of trust; it’s a wound that cuts deeply into the emotional, relational, and spiritual bonds of a marriage. The Bible recognizes the destructive nature of adultery. In Proverbs 6:32, it says, “But the man who commits adultery is an utter fool, for he destroys himself.” This verse acknowledges the profound damage infidelity causes to both the relationship and the individuals involved.
But God doesn’t leave anyone high and dry in the aftermath of an affair – we can look to him for encouragement, wisdom, and direction. Here’s how you can lean into God’s wisdom and move toward healing together and as individuals who have been impacted by an affair.
For the spouse who was cheated on
If you have been betrayed by your spouse, you’re probably facing a wave of emotions: anger, hurt, confusion, and grief to name a few. It’s important to process these feelings honestly and allow yourself the time needed to heal.
Forgiveness is a process
Forgiveness is a central theme in Scripture, but it’s important to remember that forgiveness is a process. Colossians 3:13 encourages us to “make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting the hurt or immediately restoring trust. It’s a step-by-step journey, guided by God’s grace.
Seek to understand
This one may be tough. When you’ve been cheated on, you’re probably tempted to jump to conclusions and make accusations about your spouse – accusations that may not be 100% fair.
To move toward healing, you need to fight victim mentality and try to gain some understanding and empathy for your partner. The goal here isn’t to accept what they did or think it’s okay, but to get more context about the situation and be able to look at it holistically and objectively.
This may not apply in all scenarios, but taking a look inward can reveal a lot about your situation. Are there any habits or insecurities on your end that may have played a role in you and your spouse growing apart? Consider the old saying that “it takes two to tango” - is yours a situation where perhaps both of you have contributed?
Pursue personal growth
You aren’t responsible for your spouse’s actions, but you are responsible for how you respond to the pain you’ve been dealt. With great pain, there’s an opportunity to learn about yourself: where your blind spots are, what insecurities have bubbled up to the surface, and how to become a healthier version of yourself. Professional counseling can be a very helpful resource in this process – reach out if you’d like to connect with a counselor near you!
God is still with you
The Bible reminds us in Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” In your pain, God is near, ready to offer comfort and healing. It may be hard to face him, but he is always ready to welcome you!
What not to do
- Blame yourself for what happened
- Keep your feelings bottled up
- Go it alone and avoid letting others in who can help
- Obsess over how you were wronged
- Talk to the wrong people about what you’re going through
Keep scrolling for encouragement and insight on how to choose a path forward together!
For the spouse who cheated
If you are the spouse who has been unfaithful, you’re also probably dealing with some complex emotions – shame, guilt, embarrassment, or maybe even anger and defensiveness. Taking time to process what you’re feeling isn’t optional if you want to grow and heal.
Take responsibility for your actions
Genuine repentance and accountability are essential in moving past infidelity. Proverbs 28:13 warns, “People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy.” This doesn’t just mean hiding what you’ve been doing, but also hiding any feelings of regret or remorse. Admitting your wrongdoing and committing to change is the foundation for rebuilding trust.
If you haven’t already considered it, professional counseling can give you the tools to recognize the blind spots, insecurities, and unaddressed feelings behind your actions and help you move forward toward healing. Reach out if you’d like to connect with a counselor near you!
Seek forgiveness
Seeking forgiveness from both God and your spouse is critical. 1 John 1:9 assures us, “But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.” True repentance requires humility, transparency, and a commitment to rebuilding the relationship, step by step.
Demonstrate a commitment to change
The phrase “actions speak louder than words” definitely applies here – after all, actions are what lead to situations like these in the first place. Saying you want to change is one thing, but putting safeguards in place to keep you from turning back to old habits is crucial.
If the person you had an affair with goes to the same gym as you, for example, it may be time to switch gyms. If having unchecked access to social media on your phone enabled you to have inappropriate conversations, you may want to download an accountability app so someone you trust can monitor your habits. Setting boundaries like these can give valuable reassurance that you’ll keep your word (and make sure you do!)
Be patient
Your spouse will need time to process a breach of trust like this. Trying to rush them or push them toward reconciliation will likely do more harm than good. Give them space to pray, seek wise counsel, and talk together when you both are ready to approach the situation calmly.
Forgive yourself
You made a regrettable decision, and there’s likely residual guilt and shame you’ll live with for a long time. While all actions have consequences, it’s not healthy to punish yourself forever. Colossians 3:13 tells us to forgive others as the Lord forgave us, and “others” includes yourself!
What not to do
- Avoid confronting your emotions
- Dodge conversations about what happened
- Pursue healing in isolation
- Rush your spouse to forgive you or move on
Choosing a Path Forward Together
After infidelity, couples face a difficult choice: pursue reconciliation or end the marriage. While each situation is unique, it’s important to consider both options prayerfully – and with wise advice from someone trustworthy. If you’re not sure where to start, check out our Christian Marriage Counseling Resources.
Healing together requires patience, mutual effort, and a commitment to work through the pain. Ephesians 4:2 reminds us to “be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults” - even when it’s hard. With God’s help, couples can take steps toward healing, even if the journey is long and challenging.
Setting wise boundaries with technology
If you’ve decided to work toward rebuilding your broken trust together, you both will need to take an honest look at the role technology plays in your relationship. Are there boundaries that need to be set, or accountability that needs to be established?
You may find it helpful to add extra settings on your devices that will protect you from engaging with content and social profiles that won’t be helpful for your relationship in the long run. There are also apps that can create an extra layer of accountability in the way you interact with your devices. Check out some of our tips on setting wise boundaries with technology.
Is divorce an option?
The Bible does acknowledge that unfaithfulness is a legitimate reason for divorce. In Matthew 19:9, Jesus says, “whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery - unless his wife has been unfaithful.” This verse makes it clear that, while divorce isn’t what God wants for us, it is permissible in cases of infidelity.
However, the decision to divorce should not be made lightly, or quickly. God’s heart is always for reconciliation whenever possible. We see this unfold in the story of Hosea, who was called to forgive and restore his marriage despite being betrayed (Hosea 3:1). Couples facing this decision should seek God’s wisdom, pray earnestly, and lean on wise advice from a pastor or counselor.
You have hope and a future
Even in the midst of brokenness, there is hope. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you…plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Whether you’ve been betrayed by your spouse, or you made the regrettable decision to cheat, God has a plan for even the most difficult chapters in your story.
Whether the outcome is reconciliation or moving forward separately, God’s purpose is always for your good. He is able to bring beauty from ashes and lead you toward healing and restoration.
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As you journey toward healing following an affair, check out these resources that can offer more insight and support:
If you want to connect with a pastor at a location near you or find a local counselor, fill out our Care & Prayer form.
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