Sometimes, we all need a little space. Friends text too much. Family members overshare. Coworkers need constant attention. It can be hard to find time alone to reset and refuel.
Healthy relationship boundaries are key to carving out that important time for yourself, but if we’re not careful we can misuse them and wind up isolated from the people who matter in our lives.
The importance of healthy relationship boundaries
Boundaries, when used correctly, help us guard our time and focus. Proverbs 4:23 gives this wisdom: “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.”
What does it mean to guard your heart? Healthy relationship boundaries can look like being mindful of who you let into your life, or deciding who gets the best of your time and investment. It can also look like saying no when you’re stretched too thin, or choosing to set aside time to get closer to God, away from distractions.
Technically, it’s not hard to set boundaries. With today’s technology, we have the capability to let calls go to voicemail, wait before replying to texts – even see who’s at our front door before we open it! These tools make it possible to create space in our lives. But how do we know when it’s appropriate – or even necessary – to set boundaries?
When boundaries go too far
While boundaries are wise, they can do more harm than good when we take them too far. Ignoring every call, avoiding others entirely, or staying home all the time can lead quickly to isolation. We need to make sure we understand the difference between guarding your heart and locking the door to it.
How Jesus modeled healthy relationship boundaries
Luckily, we have a great example to look to when it comes to setting healthy relationship boundaries: Jesus!
In Mark 6, Jesus invited his disciples to a secluded place to rest. They were coming off a busy season and needed to take time to recharge. (Honoring that need to rest was a way to set a healthy boundary!) But here’s where it got tricky – when they were supposed to be getting some much-needed R&R, a crowd of thousands of people found them and followed them.
Jesus could have drawn a harsh boundary here. He could have said “Sorry, I can’t teach you guys or feed you all. My friends and I are really tired, and we need to rest.” But he recognized that these people were “like sheep without a shepherd” (v. 34) and had compassion for them.
Instead of sending them away, Jesus miraculously provided food for them. After this, he went off to pray by himself – still making time for the rest he needed.
How to set healthy relationship boundaries
Here’s what we can learn from Jesus’ example when it comes to setting healthy relationship boundaries:
1. Boundaries are necessary
Even Jesus took breaks. He told his disciples, “Let’s go off by ourselves to a quiet place and rest awhile” (Mark 6:31). We don’t earn extra points with God by running ourselves into the ground!
2. Be flexible with your boundaries
While rest is essential, there are moments where our relationships require flexibility. The disciples wanted to send the crowd away, but Jesus chose to care for their needs first. We can hold boundaries loosely when God places an opportunity to serve in front of us.
3. Boundaries shouldn’t lead to isolation
Isolation is never the goal. Galatians 6:2 reminds us, “Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.” We’re called to live in community. The best way to do that is by balancing periods of rest with time tending to our relationships.
4. Focus on “keeping in” rather than “keeping out”
Jesus’ boundaries were about being intentional with his time and his relationship with God – not avoiding people. Healthy relationship boundaries should help you preserve your well-being and faith and your most important relationships – not block anyone out.
5. Seclusion is temporary
Alone time isn’t off-limits. Jesus took time to himself to pray, but he didn’t stay in seclusion. After spending time alone with God, he returned to his disciples to continue his ministry. Healthy boundaries allow us to refuel so we’re ready to reengage with the people and opportunities God has placed in our lives.
Healthy relationship boundaries are possible
Boundaries are a gift from God. They allow us to care for ourselves and others in healthy ways. But they should never become walls that isolate us. Like Jesus, we’re called to rest, recharge, and then return to community. By following Jesus’ example, we can guard our hearts without locking others out.
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What else can we learn from the Bible about healthy relationships? Check out these stories that teach us a biblical perspective on relationships.
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